How to dwell less on things you can't control

In the next installment of how A students get in our own way, let’s talk about Dwelling.

Dwelling in this case is time spent after a conversation, meeting or event concerned about what you said, how you said it, how people may or may not have responded in the moment, what they think of you now, and how little any of this is within your control.

Oh how I wish I could control all of this! How about you?

As the title suggests, if you’re a serial Dwell-er (worrier, anxious person) like me I don’t think it’s fair to assume we can just turn off this part of ourselves. And yes for the record, I wish I could control that too.

Instead, I think it’s more reasonable for those of us afflicted with Dwelling to lovingly take it down a notch.

How that can look:

1. Go in with a succinct plan. Before having said conversation or attending said meeting, consider how you’d like to feel at the end of it. Satisfied with your contribution? Buoyed by at least one worthwhile contact made?

2. Choose 1-3 ways you’ll work the plan. Also in advance (#1 & 2 can take under five minutes) consider what you will do in support of your desired outcome. For instance, if you’re looking for at least one worthwhile contact, how will you encourage yourself as you enter the virtual or in-person room, or what might you say to inspire a meaningful interaction?

3. Make a list right away. The moment the conversation ends or you turn off Zoom, write down at least three ways you feel good about how it went. Don’t overthink it (haha I know). Jot down what you liked about how the meeting was set up, how you handled yourself, a joke that was told, or a compliment you received. Especially that last one, write it down.

4. Be kind to your Dwelling. When that old familiar feeling surfaces with what-if’s galore, ask yourself, “But, what worked about it?” and refer to your answers from #3 so you have something positive in front of you to Dwell on.

5. Get your extra credit. If your Dwelling hits overdrive and you’ve already reviewed #3 and reminded yourself that you did you best, it’s time to CHANNEL that energy for good. Take a hard turn in your mental focus, immediately choose the next meeting on your calendar and do steps #1 & 2. If you need to, keep doing it for more meetings until you feel more grounded.

While you can’t control the past, you can always control your present and future actions.

Repeat it again: While you can’t control the past, you can always control your present and future actions.

Take care when your Dwelling powers are activated, be kind to yourself, and channel that energy into something positive that will make a difference.

You are powerful!

What helps you to Dwell less? I’d love to learn your techniques!

How to take the pressure off

In July I opened up my calendar for free check-in calls for clients and readers at the midway point of the year. It’s been fun to hear where you are and what you’re working on. If you took advantage of that opportunity, please keep in touch, and if we haven’t spoken yet, please reach out!

One of the biggest stressors I kept hearing was the amount of pressure being put on new businesses and career leaps to make money right away. And not just some money, but the same amount made at the established roles you were in at other companies.

If you’re under five years in business, and definitely if you’re under three, that is too much to ask. In fact, you’re setting yourself up for failure and burnout.

Why? Because putting pressure on your new leap to ensure your financial security means every step you take MUST WORK at a time when you’re still figuring out what this new venture will be.

When you’re building a business, even a couple years in, you very much need to be in Research Mode.

Among the things you’re learning are:

• Who your customers are

• What they want

• What they’re willing to pay

• Where to find them, as well as

• How to run a business from quarterly taxes and choosing a legal structure to if/when to hire help, setting hours and more

It’s like worrying your baby isn’t speaking in full sentences yet while you’re still getting a hang of their feeding, changing and sleeping schedule.

As you collect more information in these vital areas, your confidence as a business owner (or parent) increases, as does your ability to effectively attract and retain happy paying customers (or happy babies).

You need research time!

What you don’t need? The pressure to know all of these answers before you’ve done the research. You can’t figure these out without trial and error, and you can’t do that with “you have to make enough money right now” playing on repeat in your head.

The same is true for more established business owners going after new markets, professionals looking to make a major mid-career leap, and writers, artists and performers putting themselves out there.

We have to take the pressure off in the short-term in order to have more long-term success.

How to take the pressure off

1) Create the long-term plan.

If you have a business plan, that is your long-term plan. If you don’t have one yet, then take a few minutes to imagine and list out your ideal work life, including the specific amount of money you want to make, the number of hours you want to work, the kind of physical environment you want to work in, and the kind of people you want around you / how much focused alone time you’d like.

When I do this with clients, it’s a full coaching session or two of us brainstorming all aspects of your work life, but a smaller, targeted list will work in the interim so you have something to refer to.

Once you have that, lay out what you’ll do today, this week, this month in order to build toward that goal. The smaller the steps the better so you can check them off and feel your own progress.

(By the way, long-term can mean six months, two years, whatever you want. You define it.)

2) Create the short-term one.

Given what you’re building toward, and that it will take some time to get there, what do you need in the meantime to feel calm, secure, like you can keep going?

Make another list answering that question, which can include a certain amount of income to cover expenses and have a nest egg, the kind of health insurance you and your family require, the number of hours set aside per week to devote to your new business, etc.

Similar to above, this list allows you to determine what you do today, this week, this month in order to achieve these short-term stabilizing goals which in turn serves the long-term vision.

3) Make empowered choices for yourself.

What does it mean to have these two lists?

You may get a part-time job.
You may move in with your family.
You may stay working with your less-than-ideal employer for an extra six months.

Things you may have been considering before, but the difference now is that with these lists you can make an empowered choice in service of the life and work you’re building for yourself.

So instead of, “I either make enough money now by following my passion or risk failing and having to return to work that doesn’t feel inspiring,” you can say with confidence: “I’m proactively choosing this short-term option because it gives me the security and time to build what I really want.”

You’re still working on that long-term plan, so please make sure you have a to-do list from it that you’re checking off daily. The only thing that’s changed is that you’ve removed the pressure of everything having to work immediately and allowed yourself a chance to find your bearings. To do the necessary research.

You haven’t failed, or stopped, or given up. You’ve built a plan that can really work and in a way where you can feel healthier and happier at every stage.

Like a boss.