Lessons from Addie the tree

I have 50 houseplants. I counted recently and was both shocked and proud. One of my favorites, and oldest among them, is my umbrella tree Adelaide. Addie for short.

If you've been reading along for a while you have heard about her before. She teaches me a lot of lessons perhaps because her size makes them harder to ignore. (For reference, I can stand under the branch stretching out to the right. The leaves cup my head like a shower cap. Believe me, it’s awesome.)

Her most recent lesson is in letting go.

For the record, I’m not a fan. Holding on is much more comfortable. Holding tightly to people, things, memories. I clench my teeth at night.

Holding on can feel safer even when letting go is ultimately healthier.

Which is exactly what she taught me this week.

All the way at the top are two new branches reaching upward in bright green. Usually Addie grows one of these at a time so when two shoot up within days of each other, I take it as a sign of growth for me too. Abundance! Prosperity! Opportunities and money and love are on their way.

Then I noticed two more growths. A third tiny branch between those other two started to reach out, and another bright green branch reached out from along the trunk.

And what was happening in the middle? You can see from this photo. Several branches were turning yellow, signaling they would fall off soon. When that happens I always worry about the opposite sign it may bring into my life.

Rationally, one might think: with four new growths at once, it makes sense that four old growths will fall off in order to make room.

It took me a while to come to grips with that. In my mind, the falling off part meant sadness, loss, grieving and I wanted no part.

That was quickly followed though by the bigger lesson: a little help can go a long way.

If you look closer at this happy awkward tree, you’ll notice that it can’t get too much taller. If new branches keep reaching upward, no matter how often I move it into another room with higher ceilings, the tree will reach its limit.

On the other hand, those bright green leaves on the trunk could be a whole new way for it to keep growing. To stabilize itself more. To expand and reach in new directions.

You’re getting the point here and I did too. Except for what it would mean I needed to do.

Lop off that new third growth up top in order to, in biology terms, “shock the tree” into sending energy into the trunk and encourage growth there.

I may have cried.

It worked though. The new leaves on the trunk grew faster.

Okay, okay, I thought. That meant looking around at my life in a similar way. What was being pruned to allow easier, healthier, more stabilizing growth?

My daily schedule is lighter right now. While I worry about it meaning I’m not doing enough (we just talked about that!), maybe like Addie it’s allowing me to grow in a new way. It’s giving me more time to write and that feels really good.

Where is that kind of pruning happening for you?

What is being let go, or falling away, and what needs a little help (a cathartic lopping off perhaps) to stimulate healthy, stabilizing growth for you for the long term?

Addie and I believe in you.

How to handle negative feedback

What do you do when people review your work, comment harshly on a post, give you a tough grade, or share honest advice?

At my most sensitive, one not-glowing comment (sometimes it doesn’t even have to be negative) would cause me to give up and never come back. I left art school in 2006 where feedback is shared regularly and openly whether you want it or not, and have barely picked up a paintbrush since.

In business, this translated into worrying that I did something wrong if my newsletter open-rate dipped, my programs didn’t fill fast enough, or there was less engagement on a social media post than I expected.

Hopefully you’re better than me, and comfortably view all feedback as a stepping stone toward improvement instead of a criticism of your core being.

If you’re more likely to shutdown from feedback than keep going, this post is for you.

In addition, if you’re quick to change your tactics after one false start or a couple bad reviews, this is also for you.

Hint:: When something happens and you think that means you have to alter what you offer, the design, when you schedule things to go out…only a couple “negative” experiences is too soon to make a switch. This post is about what to do instead.

How to handle negative feedback

First, let’s get clear on where you are.

You’re hurt, embarrassed, nervous something is wrong and you might not know how to fix it.

When we feel a lot of feelings, it’s human nature to want to get away from those feelings as fast as we can. It’s why we immediately want to make major changes to our strategy. If we’re being proactive, there’s less time to worry.

But, you also don’t know enough, or have enough data, to really make an informed decision. You shouldn’t be changing right now. Feel your feelings and collect more data. We’ll get into what that looks like in a minute.

Next, get some distance.

Go for a walk, put on some music and dance; start moving so your brain gives over to your body for a few minutes.

How long you do this depends on the feedback. Some requires more time than others. If you return to your desk or look at your phone again, and all the feelings come back, it’s too soon. Don’t rush it, move some more or move onto unrelated things and try again later.

Only then can you process the feedback.

I spoke to a couple clients recently about devising an actual plan they’re sticking to their laptop or writing up in a note they can refer back to when they need it.

If you like lists too (you’re my people), I highly recommend making one for yourself. Basically, it’s the five things you’ll do the moment you’re struck by feedback and feel the familiar worry rising up inside you. When we have strong feelings, having specific steps laid out in front of us help big time.

Here’s what yours can look like:

1. Go for a walk and don’t come back until your head is clear.

2. See what was really said. Re-read it or replay it in your mind with as much openness as possible. Parse out what could be useful and what’s triggering, and handle each separately.

3. Consider all the factors out of your control. Was it a big news day? A holiday? Could these people have had something happen in their lives that would cause their reaction (or lack of one)? Have the seasons changed? Are kids out of school? You get the idea.

4. Collect the data. What time did you reach them? What was your subject line? How long was your message and how quickly did you get to the point? What were the design elements you were trying for the first time? Don’t change any of these but begin to collect the data about them. When you try the same thing again (3-5 more times!), compare the data. This is all market research.

5. Reach out to your best customers and happiest clients. If something negative came in, put something positive out there. Contact a few of your favorite people and love on them. Send them a discount, give them a compliment, tell them you were thinking of them and hope they’re happy with your product.

Feedback is part of the work we do and the world we live in.

In most cases, if you can take care of the personal sting and collect the data, you’ll have the perspective you need to stay curious and trust yourself.

You’re already on the right path. Stick with it.