When will it ever be "enough"?

You work hard, and then what?

You set a bigger goal. Or you judge yourself for not pushing harder. Or compare yourself to what someone else is doing. And then what?

It is so easy to get caught in the achieve-achieve-achieve loop.

As people-pleasing A students, it’s in our blood. There is always a new milestone to reach, or someone else we can compare ourselves to. Our families, our bosses, our customers, the stranger we just met who seems really cool, the Instagrammer in our industry with 10x more followers.

I’m sure you figured out a long time ago that there is no end point. There is only more.

Unless we decide, for ourselves, what is enough.

I’m not going to lie, this is hard. As someone who has lived most of her life relying on structure — do this and get an A — deciding for myself what deserves an A felt unknown.

It made me so uncomfortable, I looked for ways to avoid figuring it out:

• Following someone else’s path. “If they decide to only grow their business to this level, it must be okay.”

• Waiting for permission. “If she says I’ve done enough, it must be okay.”

The thing is? If it’s not your definition of enough, or if you don’t give yourself the permission, then it will never count. The chasing and self-judgment will continue.

Because underneath this search is often a harsh belief: “I’m not good enough as I am so I need to do this and this and this to prove that I am.”

Ugh, no. We need to change that.

How to decide what’s “enough”

1. Start small.

   Keep it manageable: for instance the project you’re working on right now. Maybe it’s a meeting you’re about to have, or (like in my case) something you’re writing.

2. Define your goal.

   Is it for someone to respond favorably to your offer? Is it so people feel less alone, or have more tools than they had before (my goal with this post)? Is it to get a raise? To convince people to buy from you? Be really clear and concise about your intention so you will know you’ve achieved it.

3. Consider what’s “enough” effort to reach this goal.

   Is doing every possible thing, no stone unturned, more than anyone else would really required? Or have you done enough already? Is what you’ve written (said, did) good enough for the clear goal you set? If you need to add or change or do a little more in service of that goal, what little bit will help? It probably won’t take much more if you stay true to what you defined in #2.

4. Notice when you start looking around.

   If in answering #3, you thought of someone else and what they might do or might think of what you’re doing, it’s a sign to go back to #1 & 2 and focus on YOUR ANSWER. You are the one who has set this goal, chosen this project, you are also the one who decides what is enough.

5. Repeat.

   Like any new muscle we’re developing, this is not a one-and-done scenario. Keep deciding what’s enough in each new situation. What’s enough today for you to feel accomplished? What’s enough likes on social media to reach your intended goal with that post? What’s enough in your bank account for the life you’d like to live? Don’t know? Go back to the top and start again.

Want to talk through what this looks like for your work? Let’s get on the phone. Or comment here and tell me!

What are you learning about “enough”?

Bare Minimum

When I talk about being an A student from way back — loving the rules listed in construction paper on my third grade classroom’s bulletin board, feeling the assurance and relief that I could follow them and all would be well — people can get the wrong impression.

They may assume I was the smartest kid in the class. That I worked hard.

As embarrassed as I am to admit this, they would be wrong.

The secret to my A student school life was simple: determine exactly what is needed and only do that.

What I was smart at was figuring out the teacher, and strictly observing the stated rules. After that? Nothing. No extra credit. No reading ahead because I was curious. Because, again I’m embarrassed to admit, I wasn’t. What’s more, I followed the rules so well it never dawned on me to do more.

I was a lucky, scrappy, quietly calculating average student who worked the system.

I got A’s. It worked. Yes, there was still a whole lotta people-pleasing and self doubt, but I also felt super proud of myself for achieving what was important to me while having gobs of free time to waste.

Why am I telling you this? Because I recognized another A student in this morning’s snowstorm, and it made me think about YOU and a potential way forward into your next leap.

Here’s what my kind of A student looks like as an adult:

While everyone on the street was digging out their cars in the dark, one neighbor was the last to join us before the 7:00am opposite side of the street parking rule went into effect. She only brushed off the driver side windshield just enough to see out and rolled her car back and forth a few times to build paths for her wheels in the deep snow.

Then she yelled, “Bare F-ing Minimum!” like a rallying cry to the whole block, put her head down for two more shovels and got back into her car.

Her tires spun for a minute gaining traction and the next she was across the street with her car still almost completely covered.

Bare F-ing Minimum works.

Later when I praised her for it, she laughed and offered me kombucha scoby that she has been brewing. She has A LOT of hobbies, every window is filled with thriving plants, she’s lived abroad…all things someone might assume required diligence and hard work.

Pretty sure it’s not as much as you think.

She’s my people. She could do more but instead she determined what’s enough so she can enjoy wide open time to explore interests. Or do nothing.

You can see where I’m going with your next Leap Plan.

What would it look like to do the Bare F’ing Minimum?

I challenge you to:

• List all the things you probably should do this year, or you think someone else would probably do if they were in your position.

• Next, write down only what’s required of what you want to achieve.

• Pare that second list down even more to remove any should’s that snuck in there. For instance, if you saw someone else do it and think it’s the only path to success, that counts as a should. “I should post on social media every day because that’s what it looked like this person did” (should) vs. “I will find 20 people interested in this and reach out to them this quarter.” (BFM!)

• Display the final, gloriously minimum list somewhere you can see often and enjoy for its simplicity.

• Every time you see it — or feel guilty that it’s not longer (should attack!) — announce boldly to yourself and anyone in earshot: Bare F’ing Minimum! Like the scrappy-awesome A student you are.

What is your Bare F’ing Minimum this year? Show me your list!

Share it in comments or email me. I’d love to see it and celebrate with you.